life, for what purpose to what end do we exist, or do we? dwelling in the pain of human finitude with transient joys, to what end do not the beasts of the field have more purpose? finding happiness and meaning, is it even possible in their world can we even control what matters? a reason and a season for this perpetual autumn my dreams are as stormy clouds, fast approaching yet tomorrow never arrives for we are destined to shuffle on and off we live, we die, we know not why what is this life is it even meant to have meaning? breath, eat, love, shit, work and then …..
#lifesajourney
What is Home?
home is where we start
but not where were it ends
the pathway from birth to death
is littered with choices
collected, used, stored, discarded
some stones sparkle and tempt
others lie cracked, damaged, exposed
by life's harsh realities
yet there is value in these damaged stones
and then, one day, I will die somewhere
against my will or another’s
but not today
© 2020 michael d emmerich
© 2020 mikesnexus.com
This Novel Storm
the sun is behind the clouds can it rain for a lifetime? a gray-black morass hangs over all this damocles sword denying all of happiness who reside amongst this, constant apprehension this novel storm that rages cuts all to the quick while remaining an affirmation of life despite the suffering
© 2020 michael d emmerich
© 2020 mikesnexus.com
Lost and Found in the Time of Covid
At times I am not sure if I am stuck in Dante’s first circle of Hell; Limbo, or one of Poe’s 7 rooms in “The Masque of the Red Death” or in some strange sick way stuck with just the 7 dwarfs, or one of them, on any given day….
Covid has kept me trapped or should I say locked in and locked out – locked in Saudi Arabia and locked out of South Africa; the irony is that they are both abbreviated to SA. Stuck in SA, whilst trying to get to SA – a perpetual state of limbo. The pandemic is so representative of Poe’s writings – representing the typical attributes of human life and mortality, which would imply that Covid could be an allegory about man’s futile attempts to stave off the inevitable, death. Yet, as we might expect, there is no locking out or blotting out death. By the end of the outbreak, it will have broken down the walls of each castle, despite our best efforts to hold it at bay.
But this is no allegory, this is real life, and its effects on so many; the infected, the cured, the healthy, the untouched, the medical teams; is significant, life changing and life ending.
I have been on the road these past 9 months, starting in Iraq and ending in Saudi. Arrived in Saudi in early January and still here, with no end in sight. Home awaits, when flights and countries unlock, until then its working in a Covid rich country. I have been on 2 different projects, and exposed to the ways of Covid, from overseeing an outbreak from afar due to lockdown and curfews and then to being at the coalface of one, albeit a small outbreak. Been in lock down and then isolation, been on the road and in camps with outbreaks. The pressure has been continuous and relentless, what with all of the above and then also at times, wearing full medical PPE, double gloved, double masked with a face shield in 40 deg heat testing and monitoring people. Yes, you can breathe quiet well in a double mask (surgical and N95) with a face shield in 40˚ C heat for a few hours. Rather that, than to be intubated and ventilated.
One of the issues at the forefront of one’s mind is when do I get to detach from this dystopian nightmare and get to go home and rest. Working 6 to 7 days a week, week in and week out, some days are quiet while others drag into 18- or 20-hour marathons. The answer is the same as “how long is a piece of string” conundrum.
Compared to running a race with no defined finish line, you have no way to know how to pace yourself and what must be kept in reserve for the last lap and sprint across the line.
So now that I have spoken about being lost, what have I found/witnessed/seen during this time? I have found friends in places I never thought I would, have tapped the reserves of resilience I never knew I had, seen (once again) the banality of corporate deceit and greed (which is not a new experience for me, but just depressing to witness in times of need and in a disaster), seen the compassion and care of dedicated medical professionals working with limited resources in difficult environments.
Personally, and professionally I have had to stretch the boundaries of my knowledge, patience, and energy levels; to keep pace with the ever-changing environments, locations, working hours and unimaginable stress from unexpected quarters. I have had to rely on my tried and trusted coping mechanisms. The journey has dragged me to revisit and explore new and old coping processes to get through the long grind away from home and my safe place.
No matter how bitter, maudlin, depressing this journey has been I must focus on the good that has come out of it, and that will be my guiding star.
“Midway along the journey of our life
I woke to find myself in a dark wood,
for I had wandered off from the straight path.How hard it is to tell what it was like,
this wood of wilderness, savage and stubborn
(the thought of it brings back all my old fears),a bitter place! Death could scarce be bitterer.
But if I would show the good that came of it
I must talk about things other than the good.”Dante Alighieri
or in the words of Eros Ramazzotti from his song, Lettera al future/Letter to the future – loosely based around “The Masque of the Red Death”
Eros Ramazzotti Lettera al future/Letter to the future
I am writing all this to you
who will be born someday in the future
and who knows how things will be
if this wind will have left the cities…
I don’t know the world you’ll find
I just hope you’ll be
the son of a new
and more fair humanity
Who Shall Mourn?
if I pass away in some foreign field
sun burnt white back bones
the brittle stations of the cross
civilisations like bones
… turn to dust
who will know to come and mourn?
if they knew, would they?
eulogy or legacy
what remains
.. other than another day
as the worlds falls apart
the strings are pulled
it all unravels, at the end
I can’t leave, but eventually I will
just passing through
© 2020 Michael D Emmerich
© 2020 mikesnexus.com
The Great Leveller
all paths eventually arrive at the same destination whatever one’s station be it the cross or another unity at the end playing fields are levelled for in death all are equal paths of glory or despair all lead to death none can transcend or escape the level playing field
© 2020 Michael D Emmerich
© 2020 mikesnexus.com
Lacefully Ensnared
delicate filigree entwining enticing, ensnaring woven webs capturing beauty created by the unknown what lies in the voids the spaces between threads what could be isn’t there or is it the mystery of the unknown …… just imagine
© 2019 michael d emmerich
© 2019 mikesnexus.com
Medic’s Epitaph
looking back, I gaze at a red and broken past around my feet lies the present an uncertain yet clear future lies before surrounded by pain time spent with the dead and dying understanding death at times comes easier than conversing with the living contemplation brings a deeper appreciation of life all I want my epitaph to be is not confusion, but ….. “just trying to leave someone alive”
© 2019 michael d emmerich
© 2019 mikesnexus.com
Wish on the Wind?
it’s a mystery to me how it commences only the wind remembers from whence it came and where it goes yet we wish on it with dandelions in bloom will the wind ever remember that wish it blows on its way for at the end of the day all for that we yearn is to be remembered by name at days end when the clouds lift light will breakthrough yet the wind will not look back but …. what of us, should we
© 2019 michael d emmerich
© 2019 mikesnexus.com
Rivers of Time
time passes as the river flows from whence it comes to where it goes cutting a pathway leaving scars in its wake once passed we cannot return in the beginning from birth forced through cracks from a trickle great steams grow going with the flow as time passes great rivers are master sculptors seeking new horizons forging into the unknown until at days end all rivers merge no second chances all the while time passes