The Naming of Humans (A Cats Perspective)

how it came to be that cats gave names to humans

is very much a mystery, littered with rumour and intrigue

for as we have named cats

they have in turn named themselves

and then they named us

their lowly servants who have worshipped them for generations



legends allude as to how this came to be

but truth be told

it is lost in the mists of time in the fjords of Norway

Luonnotar the Norse goddess of the earth

gave life to this naming process when she gave birth to the world

the process is shrouded in secrecy and cat logic

and remains largely unknown in the human world

(cat logic and the naming process)



our primary name is based largely on geographical location

and physical appearance

so other cats can understand where we fit into their world

my primary cat name I have been told is

grayman culsac and my wife’s is

fairy goddess culsac



then there is that name that your cat has for you

the secret name that only your cats know

no amount of scratches rubs or treats will extract it from kitty

but the myths do speak of the secret cat nip recipe

but no more of that as I am being given the cats eye



so when you next notice your cat in quiet contemplation

casting a knowing half opened eye in your direction

know that kitty is quietly considering if your secret name is still as apt

as it was when kitty first wrapped

you around his gracefully extended paw



horror of horrors if your secret name is no longer valid

for the heavens would open up and swallow you

Luonnotar would regurgitate you like a hairball

again and again

until you become the crazy cat person your kitty desires

in every crazy cat person’s history

lies at least one hairball reincarnation



so when you next notice kitty gazing at you for longer than usual

best you scurry over with treats or scratches

far be it for you to incur the wrath of the cat gods

or as they would say in ancient Egypt

Bastet got your tongue

(busted or bastard) your choice

© 2016 Michael D Emmerich

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